# Why Self-Esteem is Key to Dating Success
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<p>When people ask me what the most important part of dating is, my answer is simple: self esteem. Self esteem is important from the moment you decide to meet someone right through into having a serious, committed relationship. If this ingredient is missing, you’re destined to self destruct in one way or another. So what exactly is self esteem?</p>
<p>Self esteem is, quite simply, the belief that you have value as a human being. This means knowing that you deserve to be treated well and deserve to be happy. When you have self esteem, people can tell: you’re comfortable in your own shoes, you don’t feel the need to slight or insult anyone else to make yourself feel better; on the contrary, people feel good just being around you because there is no pressure. Those with self esteem treat themselves well so you won’t find them overindulging in drugs and alcohol. They understand how to take care of themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. People with self esteem don’t <em>need</em> someone to date, they <em>want </em>someone to date.</p>
<p>Low self esteem makes people do things that often end up rubbing people the wrong way. They can’t help themselves, though, they’re just trying to fill an internal void that they don’t understand. When people have low self esteem, they may push away happiness because they don’t believe that they deserve it. And if you’re the person giving them happiness, they will push you away.</p>
<p>Falling for someone with low esteem is quite the trap. You’re often drawn to them because you see so much more in them than they do in themselves, and you think that you’ll be able to show them how wonderful they truly are. The fact is, you can never teach someone to have self esteem, it’s something that people need to arrive at on their own. Oftentimes, this can only be done outside of the context of a relationship. Self esteem is never found through someone else, and the presence of a romantic interest typically overpowers any self-exploration the person needs to do.</p>
<p>If you want to test your self esteem, wait until the next time you see someone attractive. Now ask yourself why you’re not approaching him or her. Usually the answer is fear, but fear of what? Rejection? If you followed this path all the way to rejection, you’re now dealing with self esteem. Why are you assuming that rejection is even a possibility? That’s your self esteem talking.</p>
<p>When you want to approach someone, you need to honestly believe that this person’s life would be better off with you in it. Think about all the wonderful things you can offer someone in a relationship and how appreciative that they would be to have that. Look at her, or him, as someone who wants to get to know you because of the great qualities you have.</p>
<p>Further, you need to believe that you deserve this person. If you don’t, if you think someone is too good for you, or too pretty, too smart, too successful, then you’re right; on the other hand, if you think that you have something to offer to this person, you’re also right. It’s all based on what beliefs you have about yourself, your self esteem. Believe that you deserve someone in your life to make you happy, and believe that this could be that person.</p>
<p>If you have trouble with self esteem, then it should be your first goal to deal with that. Until you learn to love yourself, you will never be able to accept love from, or give love to, someone else. You need to be happy with yourself and in your own skin before you can be happy in a relationship. Talk with friends, get perspectives on what they like about you, or consider going into therapy. The journey to a strong self esteem can take work and may take time, but the sooner you start, the better off you’ll be and the closer you’ll get to being able to have a meaningful relationship.</p>
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